Procrastination is a deeply involved part of who I am. It not only comes naturally, but I like it and have intentionally cultivated it in a few certain areas of my life. It has only really given me slight financial troubles. Now, however, I am at a point thought that my procrastination for my Continuing Educational Requirements for massage license is at an immediate problem. I have had four years to complete 54 units, and as of today my total accumulated hours is at Zero.
It will cost around $800 to complete the requirements and it will take about two weekends, which will cost me in hours at work, about $300. So, what am I going to do? Probably nothing. I don't want to let my License lapse, but I think that it will happen. I will still have to complete the educational requirements, but, I don't know when, and it will only get more difficult and more expensive. What's the deal Joses!?! Just do it man!
The most insane thing about this whole situation is that if I take a course I will become enamored with my profession again and I will ache to practice again. I secretly am dreading that because I don't want to be flaky. it's not in my personality, and it's actually a trait that annoys me a lot.
If I sign up for any classes I'll let you know.

I'm Weak

Recently.
Recently I have been distressed.
Distressed by the lack of concern for poor decisions that my friends make.
I don't claim to be the most wise person I know or even close to it. But it has overwhelmed me at moments how content many are to make poor decisions for themselves. When I made the same choices. But I am not that young anymore. And I learned that it was not to my benefit to be a fool. Why then can people confess their belief in good decisions, condemn others poor decisions, but continue to consistently make potentially devastating choices.
Some are found out, some are not, some are rumored about, and others are openly talked about under the claim of confession but without lasting remorse or change of pace.
I am feeling distraught.
I am waining under the weight of judgment.
It might not be my place, but maybe it's my place.
I want support in growing, but I can't find anyone on my path who is willing to walk with me for a time.
I am growing intolerant.
I am turning bitter towards simple minded foolishness.
Am I simply foolish minded?

Compressed

Last week at work my manager was pulling her car out to re-park it behind the building before the lunch rush started, and someone ran into her. It smashed her car pretty bad, and the guy didn't really care, he kept saying "I don't know how it happened". Clearly the man ran right into her with his car. That's what happened.

After she went and parked, she told us the story, about an hour later, someone came from the store behind us and told us that one of the cars or our newest employee was the victim of vandals. We went out to check and found that someone had busted out her window and stolen a binder that had personal info including social security and such things as that. One other car of the five that were parked in the row had a shattered window but it wasn't broken out, it also belonged to an employee. most people stopped parking there, the managers and I still parked in the back along with one or two other brave employees. I had some suspicions about who it might have been but nothing to real go on other than a hunch.
Today, My window was broken out. Nothing was stolen, just broken. I didn't get to upset about it, I just don't see where it is going to stop. I still think that I know who did it, and I think that I have a stronger case against that person. I am pretty sure that if I caught the person doing it, I would hurt them. I didn't file a police report, I didn't see the point. my insurance doesn't cover things like that. What do I do? I could make a poor accusation based on my intuition. Or I can just deal, like everybody else. I have never had anything stolen from me, and I have never had anything like this happen before. It's not the biggest deal in the world, it's just some glass. I just don't understand what lets a person think that it's OK to do thinks like that.
I guess this one's a vent.

A Sound That Forces Tears

Almost two years ago I lived in New Hampshire for 10 weeks towards the end of the summer. I decided while I was out there to play some open-mic nights at a couple of different nightspots. The experience was really fun. First of all I got to sit and listen to the live music all night, and then I got to scratch the itch that I think everybody gets when they see someone perform, to do it too! The best part was I did not have to wait for anything, I got to do it right away, that night. I played 3 different times, and I learned that I could do it, but that I hate to do it alone. Earlier that summer, I asked a long time friend of mine, Ashley, to sing with me for a talent show. It was awesome, people cried, everybody was cheering, there were high fives going up all over the place.
That summer has left me anxious for some time, and somewhat unsatisfied to play music. I love it so much, and I have come across so many great songs that I think would be awesome to cover, but not alone. I am not a great singer, I think though, that I have a charisma that can add to a song or give some grits to a performance. I like to back up. I want to play. I love to play. Sometimes I need to play.
Now, right now, I need to hear someone else sing and only assist them.
I am listening very carefully to the voices around me eagerly searching and hoping to find the sound I hear in my head that overpowers my voice when I sing alone. It is powerful sonic I can't quite describe, I merely catch a glimpse of it when certain people stretch outside of their comfortable range and just barely, but completely achieve their vocal destination. There is a rush in a listeners body that comes when they hear an uncommon vocal achievement. It is the vulnerability, the risk that makes that sound so sweet.
I am listening for a Siren that can draw people toward the supra-soft sound of the emotionally enlisting nature in the almost rock guitar I play in a way that I only wish I could sing. Some people have the ability to incite that certain rush with every melodic word they preach from the pulpit of their voice to the congregation of ears not defiled by the weight of the ear buds that so commonly assist their quest for reverbial treasures.

Sideshow Joses

Today I had the urge to walk out of my job. It was a dumb urge, but I had it. It came after a brief discussion about why I was working there. My manager was talking to me about becoming a shift manager. She suggested that I quit school and come work there for her. I shared that the only reason I worked there was because it fit around classes. Jokingly she said "so your just using us?" to which I replied"yea, for a pay check!". We all laughed about it
After that I just had the urge to walk out the door and never come back. Leave it off of my applications and start with a job that I want to. As I was driving home I realized..I really don't like my job. I like a few of the people I work with, but not enough to stay there to work with them. I don't know what I want to do right now, and I don't like school nor could I afford to live if I went full time. So part time school it is along with full time work. I just feel like I should make more money for the work that I do. I am a darn good worker, and I think that since I have had several jobs that pay a lot better than this one, I don't see why I shouldn't have one now. What's the deal with this? I feel more like a slave to work than ever before. It's real dumb. It doesn't seem right, and I am looking for a way to change that. I am just not sure what the next step will be. Maybe I should run away with the circus.

Buying a house?

Today was another day waisted driving around looking for a good house to rent. I have two new roommates to consider, and possibly the old roommate is returning to live with as well. There could be 4 of us living in this house. And as it stands, I am not having as much luck as I want to have finding a place. At the end of the month I have to give 30 days notice here at my apartment, I could upgrade to a larger apartment, or I could live at an entirely different address altogether. I like the size of our current dwellings, but I am not real keen on changing apartment numbers and dealing with mail confusions. It took almost a year to get that all straightened out last time.
Today I called a real estate agent to ask him if he could give me some advice, and I am cautious to say I am seriously considering purchasing a home on a short term loan.
As long as I have people living with me it would get paid of relatively soon.
Is this a bad idea? Am I getting in over my head? Should I just be content to rent? I'm not content to rent when it is over $800 a month, but if it is $700 split between 3 or 4 that makes it a bit easier. But then again, if I am willing to take on the responsibility of a home at the same cost per month would that be the wiser choice? I guess that depends on how long my roommates stick with me. The idea of having a dwelling which could be improved is altogether motivating though. What should I do?

Mmm, cooking

The other day I made a great big stew, then, I ate it all. It was too much food for a person to eat. Then I thought, "I wonder how many regular meals this would have made?" I felt guilty a little, but it was good. So I didn't eat anything else that day or the next. Not because of the guilt, but because I didn't have any stew left. I was sad about it.