A Sound That Forces Tears

Almost two years ago I lived in New Hampshire for 10 weeks towards the end of the summer. I decided while I was out there to play some open-mic nights at a couple of different nightspots. The experience was really fun. First of all I got to sit and listen to the live music all night, and then I got to scratch the itch that I think everybody gets when they see someone perform, to do it too! The best part was I did not have to wait for anything, I got to do it right away, that night. I played 3 different times, and I learned that I could do it, but that I hate to do it alone. Earlier that summer, I asked a long time friend of mine, Ashley, to sing with me for a talent show. It was awesome, people cried, everybody was cheering, there were high fives going up all over the place.
That summer has left me anxious for some time, and somewhat unsatisfied to play music. I love it so much, and I have come across so many great songs that I think would be awesome to cover, but not alone. I am not a great singer, I think though, that I have a charisma that can add to a song or give some grits to a performance. I like to back up. I want to play. I love to play. Sometimes I need to play.
Now, right now, I need to hear someone else sing and only assist them.
I am listening very carefully to the voices around me eagerly searching and hoping to find the sound I hear in my head that overpowers my voice when I sing alone. It is powerful sonic I can't quite describe, I merely catch a glimpse of it when certain people stretch outside of their comfortable range and just barely, but completely achieve their vocal destination. There is a rush in a listeners body that comes when they hear an uncommon vocal achievement. It is the vulnerability, the risk that makes that sound so sweet.
I am listening for a Siren that can draw people toward the supra-soft sound of the emotionally enlisting nature in the almost rock guitar I play in a way that I only wish I could sing. Some people have the ability to incite that certain rush with every melodic word they preach from the pulpit of their voice to the congregation of ears not defiled by the weight of the ear buds that so commonly assist their quest for reverbial treasures.

Sideshow Joses

Today I had the urge to walk out of my job. It was a dumb urge, but I had it. It came after a brief discussion about why I was working there. My manager was talking to me about becoming a shift manager. She suggested that I quit school and come work there for her. I shared that the only reason I worked there was because it fit around classes. Jokingly she said "so your just using us?" to which I replied"yea, for a pay check!". We all laughed about it
After that I just had the urge to walk out the door and never come back. Leave it off of my applications and start with a job that I want to. As I was driving home I realized..I really don't like my job. I like a few of the people I work with, but not enough to stay there to work with them. I don't know what I want to do right now, and I don't like school nor could I afford to live if I went full time. So part time school it is along with full time work. I just feel like I should make more money for the work that I do. I am a darn good worker, and I think that since I have had several jobs that pay a lot better than this one, I don't see why I shouldn't have one now. What's the deal with this? I feel more like a slave to work than ever before. It's real dumb. It doesn't seem right, and I am looking for a way to change that. I am just not sure what the next step will be. Maybe I should run away with the circus.

Buying a house?

Today was another day waisted driving around looking for a good house to rent. I have two new roommates to consider, and possibly the old roommate is returning to live with as well. There could be 4 of us living in this house. And as it stands, I am not having as much luck as I want to have finding a place. At the end of the month I have to give 30 days notice here at my apartment, I could upgrade to a larger apartment, or I could live at an entirely different address altogether. I like the size of our current dwellings, but I am not real keen on changing apartment numbers and dealing with mail confusions. It took almost a year to get that all straightened out last time.
Today I called a real estate agent to ask him if he could give me some advice, and I am cautious to say I am seriously considering purchasing a home on a short term loan.
As long as I have people living with me it would get paid of relatively soon.
Is this a bad idea? Am I getting in over my head? Should I just be content to rent? I'm not content to rent when it is over $800 a month, but if it is $700 split between 3 or 4 that makes it a bit easier. But then again, if I am willing to take on the responsibility of a home at the same cost per month would that be the wiser choice? I guess that depends on how long my roommates stick with me. The idea of having a dwelling which could be improved is altogether motivating though. What should I do?

Mmm, cooking

The other day I made a great big stew, then, I ate it all. It was too much food for a person to eat. Then I thought, "I wonder how many regular meals this would have made?" I felt guilty a little, but it was good. So I didn't eat anything else that day or the next. Not because of the guilt, but because I didn't have any stew left. I was sad about it.

"Today is the greatest day I've ever known"

I remember some that I liked more, but today is the last one I know I made it through alive, That's great!
I used to say that my mom and some random bloggers were the only people that read my blog, but I found out today that my mom doesn't read it anymore... Is that depressing?
I think she got tired of looking it up for two years while I was busy climbing mountains and then riding down them (but mostly watching youtube videos about things like that) that she gave up on me. And now that I started to write again - she doesn't care. She still likes me I think, even though they haven't been answering the phone since they got caller ID and voice mail. I guess some things run strong in our family.
When people leave me comments it inspires me to make fun of them and write moreinteresting blogs... Any takers?

Unlike everyone else, I hate being sick

Sarcasm is one of my stronger personality traits.

This week I have been sick.
I had two upcoming quizzes, and really didn't think I would be able to make it to school.
Last night I got sick of being sick, so,
I added two blankets to my bed, raised the thermostat to 80, put an electric heating pad on my chest and put on my warmest winter hat. I am not going to pretend that the next 48 minutes were my favorite of the week, but they may have been the most beneficial to me.
As I lay in bed attempting to breath steadily through the cocoon of muggy hotness that enveloped me, struggling not to moan because of the splitting pain covering my entire head and the muscle pains and random spasms I had been experiencing for the past two days, I remembered some time when I was young feeling the same way on a hot summer night. Anyone acquainted with me knows I never complain about the natural heat, but the pains of a smothered fever are not agreeable to me nor anyone I've met so far.
It seems like anytime I get really sick I think I can just wait it out and it will improve. I usually take some vitamins and drink lots of fluids, you know the stuff you should do, but it always seems to have a minimal effect. In my experience, it is only once I take some drastic step to assist my welfare that I experience a noticeable improvement. The whole time I was laying there, and thinking about summer, I was really annoyed with how sick I was and with how cold it has been here in KC.
Winter is a time when I seem to shut down, a sort of mental and emotional hibernation.
I thrive in the heat with green everything around me and the smells and sounds of everything alive moving around me. I long for it when it's gone, and when it is here I am thankful for it everyday. I am religious about my appreciation for temperate conditions.
So there I am waiting it out, artificially heated, being suffocated by the dry stale air, breathing way to heavy and to fast to be healthy, not sure if I will be able to tolerate it any longer, just hoping for some temporary relief as the illness runs it's course, hoping for a segue
-- and finally, it breaks!
Stinky, smelly, soggy sweat!! The best feeling, such a relief, relaxation all over my body, sweat from every pour, not a dry spot on me. I kept the covers tightly on my for another ten minutes and really burned it out then ripped them off to cool down.
The night was an easy one to sleep through, much appreciated by this long-time insomniac.
This morning I got up unusually well rested, made it to school early, flew through the quizzes, did fantastically and that's not even the best of it.
I am quickly recovering, I slept phenomenally, I focused perfectly in class, but best of all, today, February 4th, it got up to 60 degrees and I have the day off from work!